Happy Being Me

Quite often in our childhood years, we encounter situations that lead us to form the perception that who we are simply isn't acceptable to our caretakers.

We spend most of our lives "trying to fit in," so that we will be accepted by others. But as soon as we decide that who we are...is not enough...we start to lose ourselves. We lose the uniqueness that we know ourselves to be. We start thinking that others wouldn't accept us if they knew the person we really were.

And yet here is something that is really interesting. When we are not being authentic, others feel it. They may not be conscious of it, but they feel it nonetheless. This phenomena happens because whether we realize it or not, we are all connected.

And because they feel it, intuitively they know when someone is not being authentic. How can they accept someone they've never met? How can they love someone they don't know exists?

I faced this dilemma most of my life. I felt like as a child that every time I tried to be the joyous person that I truly was...and expressing that, I received a rebuke. As an adult, I now know that my parents simply didn't know how to handle that joy...because as a child their own joy had been squelched. They had been taught that it was not socially acceptable to express it.

I know now that my parents didn't know how to accept me and/or encourage my unique talents because their unique talents had never received that appreciation and support. They could only give me what they had and so they just did the best they could.

So what they taught me...was how to fit in. They wanted to fit in with others and so that is all they had to model for me on my journey as an apprentice adult. My parents taught me to care about what other people thought of me...and they unconsciously modeled it to the point where it was obvious that they worried enough about what other people thought that they never believed in their own unique talents and abilities.

In seeing these talents within my parents, I even suggested that they do that for a living and their response was something along the lines of, "oh, no one would actually pay me for doing that."

I know I unconsciously modeled their behavior and adopted their beliefs. So while I knew I was an outgoing, sensitive and funny child; I also developed a perception that it wasn't either safe or acceptable to be who I really was.

Everyone in my formative years seemed to require something different from me. What I felt was that I became a chameleon. I learned how to fit in with just about any type of person or group. I learned how to mirror back to the people I was with my own twist on what they were saying and doing. But again, in doing so...I lost my sense of individuality. I lost any genuine expression of my being.

I remember times where my father would make fun of me for expressing my emotions. Because I did not live in the same house as my father and because I idealized him, I desperately wanted his approval. In learning that it was not acceptable to express my emotions with and in hearing the same message from my mother, I accepted that men do not express their emotions.

There are many repercussions to bottling up one's emotions. I have experienced many symptoms in my life. I have had issues with various addictions; food, alcohol and sexual. I did not know that what I was doing was coping. I did not understand that both the problem and the solution lay within me. I believed that the world was dictating the circumstances to which I was simply reacting.

I have also had a string of health related issues in adulthood. I have experienced depression. I have experienced loss of loved ones, jobs and divorce.

In many ways, I felt somewhat like Job. I felt like everything in my life was stripped away from me until it was just me...and God.

And in finally surrendering all that I am and all that I am not to God, I felt peace and acceptance.

I found that many of my "problems" were borne out of a core belief that somehow I was not acceptable to God...because as a child, my parents were my representational models of God. 

I feel like I developed a perception that since they didn't accept me, God didn't either.

But when I close my eyes, focus on my breathing and connect to God, I find only peace and acceptance. I find that the more I practice feeling this feeling, the more I feel it throughout the rest of my day.

I practice accepting myself. I am learning to appreciate my own talents and I believe that I can make a living at what comes naturally to me...writing, teaching and coaching.

In looking back at my adult life, I can see elements of each of these in the jobs I liked the most.

I can remember brief times in my life where I was happy just being me...the real me. These were the time where I was able to express myself from my heart, when I was able to be compassionate for another, when I was able to help someone believe in themselves when they had given up and when I was simply in front of a group of people helping them to see life in a new perspective.

Today, I am stringing together more and more of those moments to create a life where I feel completely at peace to just be...me.

What aspects of your life-- your personality, your career, your relationships, etc...would you change if you felt comfortable to be who you really are?

What stops you from being your real Self?

Namaste

Jeff

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